Getting (and not getting) answers

 

We got another negative pregnancy test today, and I found it easy to feel negativity about it.

We went to the temple in hopes of finding some clarity and peace.

Although I didn’t get a loud-and-clear answer that yes, there’s one more! And he’s comin’ soon!

Maybe I felt a soft whisper version of that.

And I realized something.

Sometimes, answers don’t come as clarity or confirmation.

Sometimes, the answer itself doesn’t come at all.

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Should I have another baby?

I originally wrote this in August, 2017, just shy of my third child’s 1st birthday.

 

Should I have another baby?

I don’t know why I feel like I have to know right now.

Can’t I just enjoy my baby for a couple more years before I answer the big question?

She has been such a joy to have in our family.

And if our family is just the five of us, I’d be the luckiest girl in the world.

But what if?

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A letter to my children

A letter to my children:

Maybe when you get a little older, you’ll start noticing my imperfections.

Maybe you’ll wonder why I get so impatient with you sometimes.

Why sometimes I’m too tired to make a fancy meal or read one more book.

Maybe you’ll start to see where I fall short as a mother, as a wife, as a sister, friend, a would-be follower of Christ.

But maybe you’ll also see me trying.

Trying to show you my love for each of you, individually—a love that is so expansive that it overwhelms me sometimes. And gives me anxiety. Fear that something should ever happen to you.

Maybe you’ll see me trying to feed you wholesome foods and saying no to the sucker because you already had an ice cream cone that day. Maybe you’ll thank me for it someday?

Maybe you’ll look back and realize that all those chores and all that homework I made you do was to help you learn to work and to progress.

Maybe, when you have a child of your own, you’ll realize how tired I was waking up with you night after night, tending to your needs day after day.

Maybe you’ll feel that overwhelming love for your own child and cry as you realize that’s how I love you, too. How I’ll always love you.

Maybe then, you’ll forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made and continue to make as your mother.

Why I teach my kids to believe in fairies + Woodland Fairies at Gardner Village

“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales.” -Mark Twain 

I grew up with an imaginative childhood. My mom wrote painstakingly tiny notes from the tooth fairy and left them under my pillow. I believed fairies were real, and we spent hours searching for them in the backyard, building little houses for them, knowing they must’ve flitted away just moments before.

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