On good days and bad days

Today feels heavy.

Funny, because just yesterday, I felt like I was on top of the world.

Not actually funny, because my female roller-coaster emotions are sometimes annoying and exhausting.

Yesterday, I was thinking about how I am happier in life than I ever remember being.

I feel like I’ve crawled out of the trenches that life as a mom of three young kids can drag you down into.

Finally, the last lingering traces of the funk that hit me after my 2-year-old was born are history.

And I have felt like me again.

The me that dreams big.

That doesn’t let the perceived perceptions of others affect or direct me.

The me that is excited at the beginning of a day.

The me that finds immense joy and rejuvenation in the things I love: Writing, nature, family, adventure.

The me that just feels good. 

Our 11-year-old marriage has felt better than ever. Better than the “honeymoon phase.” (A phrase I actually hate, as I hate any generality that tells you how you should feel at a certain point in marriage or parenthood.)

We’ve just been in sync. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Even our life goals feel more in line than ever. And we’re ready to tackle them together with gusto.

Which is why it’s so disheartening that those goals are not coming to fruition.

I think that’s what sparked today’s heaviness.

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Yesterday felt light, happy. Everything was as it should be.

Today is different.

Where that pocket of contentedness dwelt in my heart, guilt has decided to worm its way in.

Guilt over taking time away from my kids to write.

Guilt over my patience, which I’d had a handle on for the past few weeks, taking a dip.

Feelings of inadequacy over not being the friend or neighbor or church member I think others expect me to be.

//

But that’s OK.

There will be more happy tomorrows. The heavy ones make way for lighter ones.

I know that, but I don’t have to believe it all the time.

It’s OK to let the bad days be. Let the down feelings sink in a little bit.

So when they go, they take all of their belongings with them—bored of nagging at my mind and heart and ready to move on to the next person.

So, I’ll let them stay for now.

But not for long.

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