Present over Perfect

Jack and Lola Photography

When I was already underlining quotes from the introduction to “Present over Perfect,” I knew it was going to be good.

Sometimes, a book comes into your life just at the right moment, like a friend who gently puts her hand on your shoulder and gives you some desperately needed guidance. That’s what this book was for me.

I was feeling disconnected from the things and the people I love most, and I knew I needed a wake-up call. As I read this book, I felt like I was being pulled back into myself—my true self. The self I want to be.

Here’s what Shauna Niequist taught me through “Present over Perfect“:

1. To embrace myself. Not who I wish I was. Not my titles and achievements. Just myself with all my quirks and limitations. If others don’t love or accept that me, they don’t belong in my life. And I can stop caring about what they think. I’m over trying to prove my worth to people. Including myself. I am enough as I am, and so are you. I love the permission Shauna granted me: “You get to tell the truth about what you love and who you are and what you dream about.”
2. Stop saying yes to things just because I can. Sometimes I feel like I have to do something someone asks me to do just because I have the capacity to do it. But I love Shauna’s caution that “if you’re not careful with your yeses, you start to say no to some very important things without even realizing it.”
3. Stop playing martyr to my schedule. “We have some say over the size of our own lives—we have the agency and authority and freedom to make them smaller or larger, heavier or lighter.” Am I constructing my life in a way that there is room for the people and things that are really most important to me? If I don’t “have time” for my marriage, my kids, my closest friends, God, something is WRONG. What do I need to let go of? (I’ll tell you some big and small things I’m letting go of in my next post).
4. Focus on kindness instead of accomplishment. I get a lot of comments from people like, “You’re so busy!” and “Wow, you’re doing a lot!” But am I kind? I would much rather be known for my kindness than my accomplishments.
5. Don’t believe the lies. “I used to believe, in the deepest part of me, that there was something irreparably wrong with me. And love was a lie. Now I’m beginning to see that love is the truth, and the darkness is a lie.” Shauna’s quote has prompted me to take stock of my negative thoughts and start calling them out as liars. “You aren’t as important as her.” Liar! “You are actually sort of ugly.” Liar! “You have to look better and have more for people to like you.” “Your kids, your husband would be better of with a replacement.” Liar, liar, pants on fire.
6. God actually does love me unconditionally. This is something I know in the deepest part of my soul, but I often forget it. And I give in to shame and doubt and the thought that I’m not doing enough to earn his love. Or anyone’s, really. But I’m learning, like Shauna, that you actually don’t have to earn His, or anyone’s love. I’m also learning that love is better than attention. And they aren’t the same thing. My good friend may not be calling me everyday. But she still loves me. I might only see my dad a handful of times a year. But he still loves me.
7. I don’t want to miss out on my life. During an interview with a friend, Shauna said this through tears to her interviewer: “I don’t want to miss the actual fabric of the interior of my life and the beautiful children growing up right this second in my own home because I’m working to please people somewhere out there. I’m afraid I’m missing it, I’m afraid I’m doing it wrong, and I want to know that I can change.” This quote really struck a deep chord within me. Does anyone else feel like this sometimes?
8. Perfect is a dirty word. We hear it so much everyday, and I noticed I was saying it a lot. My child showed me a picture she’d drawn or a job she’d completed. “Perfect!” I’d exclaim. A friend posted a beautiful family photo on social media. “What a perfect family!” I’d congratulate. I’ve tried to stop using that swearword. Because a constant expectation of perfection builds walls between us and others. It causes us to judge and compare. It creates a constant dull ache that always whispers, “You’re not good enough. So hide what you really are.” No thanks. I’m perfectly imperfect and proud of it.
9. Bask in simple beauty. Those quiet, simple moments of connection and contentment with the people I love most? That’s where fulfillment and joy are. I’m going to focus on creating and appreciating more of those instead of constantly chasing the next big, fun, sparkly thing. I’m going to to slow down and keep things small and simple on purpose, like Shauna: “We were all raised to build, build, build. Bigger is better, more is better, faster is better. It had never occurred to us…that someone would intentionally keep something small, or deliberately do something slow.”

Mic drop, Shauna Niequist.

Now go buy her book because your life called and it wants you back.

(Click here for the link.)